Wednesday 4 May 2016

One Way Street

So Dad decided to put mum into respite again this week, for mothers day weekend.

I hadn't spoken to them in maybe 2 and a half weeks, and obviously Dad is annoyed at me (to say the least). I got a (another) phone call telling me that I'm not offering any support and that he is is on his own, and it's a one way street.

This is all quite usual, when he can't deal, he rings me and has a go at me for not doing enough. Quite frankly I'm over it. I'm over being the worst daughter. The other daughter lives on the other side of the world, and I'm the one who's been here for the last 5 or 6 years through all of this hell, and I'm the one who cops it.

So he expects me to come and travel 4 hours to see her for mothers day and quite frankly, i'm feeling depressed. I'm feeling anxious, and I'm feeling like I just need a mothers day for me this year. Life has been on hold for the last 5 or 6 years. When can I just let go of these obligations and expectations and live my own life, for myself and my immediate family? Why do I have to have a miserable mothers day every mothers day? Why do I have to have a miserable Christmas, Easter, etc. etc. because I'm obligated to spend it with my parents, knowing full well that it will be miserable? Will it be one more year, five more years, ten more years? Will I ever be able to let go of my responsibilities and just do what I want?

I am at the point where I need to say no. I need to look after my own mental health, and prioritise myself, and my children, and my partner. And to do that, means to say no to everything else that makes me miserable.

Then I have to deal with the guilt of being the worst daughter. The guilt of, whatever I'm going through, what they are going through is so much worse.

But when I'm told that I do nothing, it certainly makes me think I've completely wasted the last five years trying to support, trying to be there, going to appointments, accommodating my parents for each appointment, because they live far away, and have stayed at my house probably 50 times in the last 5 or 6 years. Trying to ensure that I've included them in Christmas', Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Birthdays etc. etc.

I just want to quit!  I've had enough!  Each time I visit them, or they visit me, it takes me a week or two to debrief and get over the experience, it is that miserable. I've been pretending and faking for years that I actually enjoy spending time with them because they are both miserable. They have no tolerance for me and my children and my partner and they don't appear to enjoy our company any more than we enjoy their company.

But, still, we persist. It's such a negative cycle.

Maybe it's time to put my foot down and look after my own mental health.

Maybe it's time to actually be the worst daughter, to actually not do anything.

Wow, so negative!



First Respite

THIS POST WAS FROM  QUITE SOME MONTHS AGO, I FORGOT TO PRESS PUBLISH SO THE DATE IS WRONG

Today mum went into a nursing home for her first session of respite. It was fairly traumatic for Dad by the sounds. I offered to go with him, but he thought it would be better to do it on his own. Apparently, the woman who had arranged the respite, took the day off today, so when they went in, nobody seemed to know what was going on, and they were stuck waiting around to find out details. Then after Dad cracked it at the staff for their poor organisation, the Matron of the nearby hospital turned up, and asked him "How's your mother going?" This sent mum into tears because, of course, she is not his mother, she is his wife, and she still has far too much mental capacity to let that one slip by un-noticed.

He was anything but impressed with their lack of empathy, and they didn't seem very well organised to welcome a new, young resident in with Alzheimers. Surely they need to have someone rostered on, who knows the story behind a person coming in for respite?

I hope Dad sticks with it, and holds out to give himself a break. I really hope he doesn't ring her every day and end up going in early to pick her up because she hates it. Because, it's inevitable, she will hate it, she will hate the food, she will hate being surrounded by people 15+ years older than her.

It is supposed to be 2-3 weeks. We will see how long they hold out. I guess, he will now need to realise that no nursing home is going to give her the same standard of living she has at home. Staff at nursing homes are generally low paid and with a low level of education and training. It's never going to be ideal, but it will be necessary.